and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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