At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
