Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
