So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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