Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize