He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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