You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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