EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
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