You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I stole a fireplace last night.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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