So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
