hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Randomize
