Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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