Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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