I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
