It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
