I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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