omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
