How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
