I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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