If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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