When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
