I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
