I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
