you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
