the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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