How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize