She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
