He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
