OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
it's great music for shaving your balls
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
