My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
