This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
