I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
