meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
