It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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