i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
