Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
