the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
