I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
