I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
