she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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