the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
