then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
