dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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