and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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