if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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