who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
