so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
