so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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