Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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