So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
