I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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