I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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