DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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