Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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