it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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